Last Sunday, I accidentally stumbled upon the first SATC movie – while watching it (although I’ve seen so many times before) I was taken by how Carrie explains that she moved to NYC for love. That sentence stayed with me, probably because I moved back to Stockholm for that reason. But the question that I was left with was: what happens when that love is gone?
The past months, I’ve been redesigning my life by trying to find a new purposes. Thats what happens when life crashed down over your head and your forced to build a new foundation. Before leaving to Los Angeles, there were no doubt that foundation was there and nevertheless strong. The chock of its absence dawned the day of my arrival back to Stockholm. There I was after a 14 hours trip and no sleep, unpacking and crying non-stop. It was overwhelming and the tears kept coming, instead of reading in to it I thought it might was a discharge of feelings. The following days were heavy while juggling a massiv jet lag and trying to get back to my Stockholm-mode – the trip had been successful on in terms of business and somewhat emotional and eye-opening on a privat front. Yet, the sadness followed me around like a dark little cloud over my existence. These past days have been heavy, and now reached a point where I can’t no longer deny my feelings because my body is showing all the red flags, which brings us to this topic.
As Im writing this in my little picture perfect Parisian lookalike apartment, I can’t help but feeling the resistant of pushing the keyboards on my computer. A part of me has always been afraid of being open about this; the only people whom I felt safe with has heard me express these ashamed emotions. While some may think that what I’m writing is pathetic and too much; my only purpose of doing it is because its a way for me to heal and the hope of helping someone who is going through the same thing. One person whom I want to give credit for being a inspiration for sharing my story is Isabel Adrian, and I’ve told her several times how much I admire her openness and vulnerability.
By now your probably thinking if I’m going to cut to the chase, but I’m struggling with pushing the keyboards. The shame and self-embarresments washes over me, but here we go! I feel so incredibly lonely, to the point where the feeling washes over me like a powerful wave and leaves me undone. Its like an empty whole inside of me that keeps getting bigger and bigger yet I’m trying to hold on for my life because I refuse to fall. Everything became clear a few night ago at a private gathering; I had a great time but a panic attack started crawling closer and closer. I felt like I wanted to scream, but I knew nobody would hear me. No one could see me, I felt invisible. I gave my phone to my friend so she could call a for a cab, my hands were shaking and when I reached out my trembling hand I could see how worried my friend was. The party continued, she took me out and waited for the cab with me but it wasn’t until I was home that I felt safe. I wasn’t drunk, not even a little bit tipsy but there was a feeling that something needed to come out. The day after, the numbness joined me followed by a massive migraine. Yet again the denial compelled me to go out for a few errands, however the sounds of the city were louder than ever – and my head started spinning. I could not comprehend what was going on, I called a friend whom held me company on the phone till I was home again. Something was broken, I was broken. This void couldn’t be denied any more – it was there again, and the truth is that I have been accompanied with this sensation from a early age of my life.
In todays social media socity, we’re trying so hard to give off a certain image. Some use their channels to inspire while others showcase the lifestyle that their living. Popularity is measured by the amount of followers, likes and comments we’re receiving to the point that people filter whom they’re going to hang out with depending on what they can gain from each others followings. Sorry, but thats the truth. As a blogger, writer and avid social media user I’ve learned that things are far from perfect published pictures and savvy captions. I don’t want anyone to look at my blog or Instagram feed and think that my life is perfect, the soul-purpose of why I’m sharing my stories is to be real and if that has a positive impact on someones life, well, thats amazing! But this is how I heal my hurt.
After these past events, I’ve been analyzing the past months blog posts. Its one thing to blog just because you have to, and another thing when it comes from within. I don’t know about you guys, but things that come from within is what captivates me the most. Authenticity! So this is my effort of being authentic, vulnerable and simply honest with my current status-quo. And to be honest, I’m sure everybody has at some point in their lives felt lonely and completely empty.
Finally, I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I’m okay – just going through a rough patch that I am aware that only I can fix it. Which I will – life is what you make it and I know for sure that this too shall pass.
Disclaimer: Photo found on Pinterest